Indestructible Me - Vanessa Hermanson September 09 2014

 
I am happily married to my best friend Evan, he is a firefighter and when he isn't working or sleeping he is usually letting me bounce all my crazy ideas off of him! Evan is a HUGE part of who I am today I am myself when I am with him  which may sound strange but I went through years in a really bad relationship before meeting Evan where I completely lost myself and thought that maybe in life it was normal to sacrifice things for other people even it was my happiness I was sacrificing. People always refer to couples or even individuals by saying "on the outside they have it together, but behind closed doors it's a mess" so I just assumed my relationship was normal because my relationship was just that great on the outside but behind closed doors I was suffering! I went through years of emotional abuse that turned into physical abuse. The first time the physical abuse happened he cried, I cried, he apologized and blamed it on the bad day he was having and I apologized for my part in it....which was being in the same room as him I guess! Once it happens once it will happen again and it did often! I was scared to stay but more scared to leave. I look at myself now and think that I am so strong how could I have allowed that to happen to me and I realized that when I was going through those times in my life I wasn't strong at all! I was weak and it wasn't all my fault I had been torn down over time to feel that I was never good enough, never pretty enough never thin enough and that I would never find anyone better. My close friends and family never really knew what I was going through because it got to a point that I was so embarrassed to talk about my relationship with anyone that I just kept it in. Aside from the abuse he was also a cheater, he made me feel like I was crazy for accusing him of things even when I had the evidence right in front of him! It was bad, really bad. I still can't believe I put up with everything for 5 years!!!! People say God works in mysterious ways and I can not agree more! God is what got me out of this relationship, I feel like he had given so many signs to get out, the emotional abuse, the physical abuse, the cheating and still I stayed! I think God felt he needed a more powerful sign. One night my doorbell rang and it was a girl, the girl that I had accused my boyfriend of cheating on me with....and she was pregnant and she was there to speak with the father of her child, and yes you guessed it the father of her child was my boyfriend! I was speechless and hurt and confused and oddly enough I felt a feeling of relief! This was it, this was my out! Of course he didn't see it that way and he felt that I should stay because he didn't want to be with her and we could still be together and take care of this baby! I ended up having to tell his mom the situation and that was the way I got out of that relationship she got involved and was there while I moved! The relationship was over but the scarring lasted a lot longer and is still there and with the healing from that relationship came some crazy trust issues which I feel were justified. I used to get mad when certain things would remind me of that situation but now they are just a reminder to me of what I overcame!! 
 
There is one incident that stands out to me that I call my defining moment, I didn't realize that's what it was at the time but it is what drives me now everyday. When I was in that relationship I was going to college for Sports Broadcasting and I loved everything about it! I loved sports, I loved the rush I got by being on camera and connecting with people or debating certain issues I loved the nerves that came with being behind a camera I loved the research just everything! I got a internship at a local news station and was really excited about where I thought my career could go! I would come home and be excited to talk to my boyfriend at the time about my day and he was never interested in hearing about anything! One morning he initiated a conversation about my internship and said "Do you really think this is going to go anywhere? I just don't see you behind a camera, there's nothing interesting about you that people would want to watch!" I will NEVER forget those words EVER! From that point on going to my internship and my classes seemed a little less exciting and I really started doubting myself and in a few short months I was no longer interning. It is really hard to pursue something when the one person who you love and is supposed to love you back doesn't believe in you. I gave up my dream because the person who was emotionally and physically abusive made me once again feel that I was nothing!! That was 8 years ago. I was still with him for 2 years after that trying to find my niche which I never did in that time, and looking back now I realize no matter what I decided to do he would have never supported my dream and my vision! 
 
Flash ahead to the present and I am stronger than ever! I realized its okay to be a Strong Independent Woman and still be in a healthy relationship. It is possible to appear happy on the outside and behind closed doors be happier! My husband
supports everything I do now and if he didn't I would still be okay because what I learned is that who I am does not depend on anyone else except for me, I am responsible for me and my happiness and when people support my vision and my dreams that is a added bonus but I will no longer lose myself to anyone again! I know my worth. Strong Confident Independent Women are INDESTRUCTIBLE!